Today I drove past "R's Playground" and saw a girl, maybe 13 or 14 years old, playing alone on the swings.
When we donated the playground equipment in R's memory our idea was that we would be able to see happy children doing all of the fun things that R couldn't. Seeing this girl, just on the cusp of her teenage years, reminded me of the milestones that R would miss and that C would have to meet alone.
During my pregnancy I was thrilled to be having twin girls. Growing up I had always thought that a twin would make life easier. Pathologically shy and introverted, I longed for a partner who could see me and accept me exactly as I was. I pictured my daughters lying in bed at night sharing secrets in the dark or sharing clothes or supporting each other through the challenges that were sure to come.
For all I know the girl on the playground could have been waiting for her friends or just enjoying some alone time in the sunshine but I can't help thinking that she was lonely.
And I worry that C will be lonely without her sister.
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That was a lovely way to remember R.
ReplyDeleteI'm also rather shy. I was concerned that I would be unable to cope with twins but I consoled myself with the fact that they would never be lonely. Now I worry that J will be more lonely because she was a twin. She should have had a sister. Sigh.